I’ve been thinking a lot about change lately. Not the welcomed kind you find hidden in your couch cushion or car seats, but the kind of change that determines your path. Lord knows I’ve had a lot of change in my life thus far. I am still coping with becoming a grandmother at 35 (M & I still haven’t spoken), getting used to a new house and all of its positive and negative issues ($5000 worth of plumbing repair we didn’t know about…oh joy) and living in a new location.
Now the change I am most focused on is what the hell I’m going to do for a career. I am fortunate to have a job currently as many, many people across the country are without, so I’m not bitching about that, I am however bitching about how stable or secure my current job it.
I don’t foresee it lasting past the first six months of 2011 if things don’t improve.
So I ask myself what I will do. I peruse all the online job sites only to be discouraged. I don’t want to deal with employment agencies, and be subjected to hours of seeming useless exams and reviews for shit I’ve been doing for years. On the other hand I current have an Associates Degree which I received in 2008 which sits nicely framed at home collecting dust. Most companies within my chosen field for which I desire to work for require 3-5 years experience and skills they don’t even teach in school.
Ugh give me a break. How can I gain the necessary skills and experience if you won’t hire me to begin with, and the one’s that might don’t pay enough for me to support myself let alone a family. So what do I do? I think about what I have done my life experience, what am I really good at and how can I make that into a sellable, profitable business. I am thinking of venturing out into the world of self-employment.
How brave of me, in this economy (stupid is more like it) but I have to do something. I am tired of working to help make other people wealthy and in turn be left out in the cold when they no longer need me. I have a skill set that many companies advertise for even if they want documented proof your worth something i.e.… job experience. I have the ability to sell myself (get your mind out of the gutter…) and love working with people.
I cannot limit myself to a card board cut out of what I think I should be because I am too afraid to try something new. I figure if I put together my plan of action now and prepare myself for that inevitable pink slip when it comes I won’t be so devastated and maybe, just maybe I will have a solid back up plan. By investing in myself I am only making a change for the better!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. --Reinhold Niebuhr
Monday, August 23, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Who do I blame?
I made it no secret that M has upset me, any parent who cares about the well-being of their child would be upset in regards to teen pregnancy which is 100% preventable. My issues with M are not simply because she’s pregnant that is just the mechanism that fuels it.
We as parents try our best to teach our children the truths of life but a modified, watered down version. At least I tried, in an effort to spar my kids the harsh realities that life is often times harder than it seems, and many times good hard working people struggle.
This is what upsets me about M’s situation; first we’ve always had an open dialogue regarding sex, abstinence, and protection not just from pregnancy but from STD’s. I made sure she always knew she could come to me no matter what. I even made sure she was on birth control (which I gave her every single day) just for my own piece of mind although I always expressed my desire for her to wait until she was emotionally ready for sex.
As we all know for a women sex is much more than just the physical act. I believe even for boys it’s more than just physical they just mask it better.
I have been (stupidly) one of the “oh that won’t happen to my kid” kind of parents, well look it’s my kid. Who do I blame? TV sucks we all know that programs are full of teens having sex, usually no parents around at all, schools all over from elementary through high school kids talk about sex. M was in 5th grade and I can remember her talking about plastic colored bracelets girls wore so guys would know what sex acts they have done. Yeah 5th grade and that was 6 years ago.
So do I blame TV, kids or myself? I guess it’s a combination of all but I also have to place some blame on M. She knew the consequences and with the events leading up to the “I’m pregnant” (said in a nonchalant, it’s no big deal manor) lead me to believe she’d intended to get pregnant. Yes I believe my own daughter got knocked up on purpose. Hate feeling that way but it is what it is and if it looks like a duck…walks like a duck…you get the rest. Life goes on and this too shall pass.
After she left I cleaned up her room and found at least a month’s worth of birth control pills, the ones she swore to me she was taking. It is what it is and now we just have to move past it. I am slowing facing the reality that my baby is having a baby and even though I don’t agree with the timing, I have to face that reality regardless of how it came to be. I love my child and I will for sure love my grandchild also.
We as parents try our best to teach our children the truths of life but a modified, watered down version. At least I tried, in an effort to spar my kids the harsh realities that life is often times harder than it seems, and many times good hard working people struggle.
This is what upsets me about M’s situation; first we’ve always had an open dialogue regarding sex, abstinence, and protection not just from pregnancy but from STD’s. I made sure she always knew she could come to me no matter what. I even made sure she was on birth control (which I gave her every single day) just for my own piece of mind although I always expressed my desire for her to wait until she was emotionally ready for sex.
As we all know for a women sex is much more than just the physical act. I believe even for boys it’s more than just physical they just mask it better.
I have been (stupidly) one of the “oh that won’t happen to my kid” kind of parents, well look it’s my kid. Who do I blame? TV sucks we all know that programs are full of teens having sex, usually no parents around at all, schools all over from elementary through high school kids talk about sex. M was in 5th grade and I can remember her talking about plastic colored bracelets girls wore so guys would know what sex acts they have done. Yeah 5th grade and that was 6 years ago.
So do I blame TV, kids or myself? I guess it’s a combination of all but I also have to place some blame on M. She knew the consequences and with the events leading up to the “I’m pregnant” (said in a nonchalant, it’s no big deal manor) lead me to believe she’d intended to get pregnant. Yes I believe my own daughter got knocked up on purpose. Hate feeling that way but it is what it is and if it looks like a duck…walks like a duck…you get the rest. Life goes on and this too shall pass.
After she left I cleaned up her room and found at least a month’s worth of birth control pills, the ones she swore to me she was taking. It is what it is and now we just have to move past it. I am slowing facing the reality that my baby is having a baby and even though I don’t agree with the timing, I have to face that reality regardless of how it came to be. I love my child and I will for sure love my grandchild also.
Monday, August 9, 2010
A series of unfortunate events…tales of M
So let’s do a run down:
M started seeing this boy whom we’ll refer to as P (aka asshole) in September; he seems like a nice boy, goes to school, and plays on the football team, ready to graduate in June class of 2010, and spoke often of college. They didn’t really date since neither had any money, mostly just hung out at school and his house, we lived in a small 3 bedroom apartment and with already 5 of us space was tight, plus L (my fiancé) works from home. Months go by no issues that I can see from her relationship grades are so, so but since entering high school the year prior she’d had some trouble, work load and curriculum was a lot.
Toward the end of March L and I found our first home. We knew at that time we’d be moving about 30 minutes north of our current location and that means new schools for the kids, and M wouldn’t have easy (5 minute) access to P but there are city busses and ways she could have made it back and forth. However in April she’d began spending more and more time with her girlfriend R. Really nice girl good family, meet her parents and the whole nine yards so when M would ask to stay with R on the weekends I didn’t hesitate to agree. She was doing fine in school taking care of her responsibilities at home so why not.
Late April M hits me with the P has a baby said she didn’t want to tell me sooner as she figured I’m make her stop seeing him. April comes and goes and although I am not really comfortable with her seeing P knowing that he has a baby I didn’t make her stop seeing him, I simply figured we’d be soon moving and he’d become a memory.
May M and P go to prom together, she looked so beautiful. Just after Prom M then hits me with the “you’re going to be mad but” P has another baby, his ex girlfriend just gave birth. So I was livid. I’d meet P’s mother several times since September (granted we didn’t become friends) and not once did she or anyone mention the first baby, now there is a second? I told M he was bad news there had to be a reason he keep getting girls pregnant and dumping them. But what do I know I’m just her mother.
We closed on our new home in June and had scheduled our move for the end of the month. I figured (again stupidly) we’d simply get through the month move and she’d be done with P… Well we moved June 26th on June 28th M’s dad and I learned she was pregnant and that she’d suspected she was for almost a week. She was already 7 weeks pregnant. My heart sank, and all she keep saying was she was having this baby and wanted to be with P, his mom would help her and P (although he told M point blank he didn’t want the baby) would support her no matter what. Three days later I’d found out P had a son almost 2yrs old who he denies as his, but his mother claims as her grandchild, 17 and three kids all under the age of 3, and now another one on the way.
M’s dad wanted her to stay with him (I was glad to let her, as I was very upset) so he could help her through this, but just as I said if she decided to keep this baby it’s her responsibility to raise and support it. She’d need a job and to really focus on her future. She’d gotten into an argument with her dad about her plans and what she was going to do. He’s told her she couldn’t see P until she figured some things out with that she ran away from her dad’s telling him she didn’t need or want his help and was gone for three days, although we knew where she was we couldn’t get confirmation and the local police couldn’t do anything unless she was caught on the street. Even after they told us they could bring her home but at 16 they couldn’t force her to stay. Yeah but tell me again how as her parents were responsible till she’s 18.
Finally she’d made her way to a shelter and called me to pick her up. She’d decided to have an abortion, I’d made the appointment and we’d talked about it. Although I was relieved she’d decide to give herself a second chance to have a real future I wanted to be sure she was sure of her decision. The decision to end a pregnancy is a hard one to make; I know I’ve been there myself.
Things seemed ok; we talked about her new school, and what clubs she might sign up for and her desire to go to college in a few years. I had my daughter with the bright future back and I was so happy. She’d maintained contact with P via phone and Facebook, but I wouldn’t let her see him. He did enough damage, but yes it takes two to tango. July 23 was the date for termination and again she seemed nervous but still ok, I’d asked her again that morning if she was still sure and she said yes.
15 minutes after we arrived here comes P and M’s waterworks. She sat with P and his sister and some random friend I guess they all knew (all showed up as if it were a party) and she’d cry and he’d whisper something to her and she’d nod. She went back into the room where they do what they do and P joined her about 15 minutes after that. Within half an hour she emerged with P close behind, she’d had a sad pathetic look on her face and simply said I couldn’t do it.
P quickly hugged her and left, he was out the door before I got off the chair.
I got M to the car and I yelled at her that she was making the biggest mistake of her life, and that she must figure out what she’s going to do now. After I calmed down I told her I loved her but again she needs a job and to think about her education and what kind of life she wants for her baby, because whatever life she has this baby will have also. I didn’t want her on welfare and living hand to mouth but I am in no position to support another child. She told me she wasn’t me, and she knew what she was doing and that simply because my life was hard didn’t mean hers would be.
I was 17 when I became pregnant with M, 18 I married her dad and gave birth. By 20 we’d split I worked job after job mostly retail some days I’d barley even seen M but I did what I had to do because I had adult responsibilities, at 18 for me it was a struggle to get a job and pay bills, so the rose colored glasses she wears about her life worry me greatly. I tried to keep her from making that choice, but now that she has all I want is for her to rise to the occasion and understand the world is a tough place and no one gets by with handouts. I haven’t spoken to her since, she stayed locking in her room all week and on July 30 she took off, to be with P.
My dear M, if only you didn’t think I was your enemy!
M started seeing this boy whom we’ll refer to as P (aka asshole) in September; he seems like a nice boy, goes to school, and plays on the football team, ready to graduate in June class of 2010, and spoke often of college. They didn’t really date since neither had any money, mostly just hung out at school and his house, we lived in a small 3 bedroom apartment and with already 5 of us space was tight, plus L (my fiancé) works from home. Months go by no issues that I can see from her relationship grades are so, so but since entering high school the year prior she’d had some trouble, work load and curriculum was a lot.
Toward the end of March L and I found our first home. We knew at that time we’d be moving about 30 minutes north of our current location and that means new schools for the kids, and M wouldn’t have easy (5 minute) access to P but there are city busses and ways she could have made it back and forth. However in April she’d began spending more and more time with her girlfriend R. Really nice girl good family, meet her parents and the whole nine yards so when M would ask to stay with R on the weekends I didn’t hesitate to agree. She was doing fine in school taking care of her responsibilities at home so why not.
Late April M hits me with the P has a baby said she didn’t want to tell me sooner as she figured I’m make her stop seeing him. April comes and goes and although I am not really comfortable with her seeing P knowing that he has a baby I didn’t make her stop seeing him, I simply figured we’d be soon moving and he’d become a memory.
May M and P go to prom together, she looked so beautiful. Just after Prom M then hits me with the “you’re going to be mad but” P has another baby, his ex girlfriend just gave birth. So I was livid. I’d meet P’s mother several times since September (granted we didn’t become friends) and not once did she or anyone mention the first baby, now there is a second? I told M he was bad news there had to be a reason he keep getting girls pregnant and dumping them. But what do I know I’m just her mother.
We closed on our new home in June and had scheduled our move for the end of the month. I figured (again stupidly) we’d simply get through the month move and she’d be done with P… Well we moved June 26th on June 28th M’s dad and I learned she was pregnant and that she’d suspected she was for almost a week. She was already 7 weeks pregnant. My heart sank, and all she keep saying was she was having this baby and wanted to be with P, his mom would help her and P (although he told M point blank he didn’t want the baby) would support her no matter what. Three days later I’d found out P had a son almost 2yrs old who he denies as his, but his mother claims as her grandchild, 17 and three kids all under the age of 3, and now another one on the way.
M’s dad wanted her to stay with him (I was glad to let her, as I was very upset) so he could help her through this, but just as I said if she decided to keep this baby it’s her responsibility to raise and support it. She’d need a job and to really focus on her future. She’d gotten into an argument with her dad about her plans and what she was going to do. He’s told her she couldn’t see P until she figured some things out with that she ran away from her dad’s telling him she didn’t need or want his help and was gone for three days, although we knew where she was we couldn’t get confirmation and the local police couldn’t do anything unless she was caught on the street. Even after they told us they could bring her home but at 16 they couldn’t force her to stay. Yeah but tell me again how as her parents were responsible till she’s 18.
Finally she’d made her way to a shelter and called me to pick her up. She’d decided to have an abortion, I’d made the appointment and we’d talked about it. Although I was relieved she’d decide to give herself a second chance to have a real future I wanted to be sure she was sure of her decision. The decision to end a pregnancy is a hard one to make; I know I’ve been there myself.
Things seemed ok; we talked about her new school, and what clubs she might sign up for and her desire to go to college in a few years. I had my daughter with the bright future back and I was so happy. She’d maintained contact with P via phone and Facebook, but I wouldn’t let her see him. He did enough damage, but yes it takes two to tango. July 23 was the date for termination and again she seemed nervous but still ok, I’d asked her again that morning if she was still sure and she said yes.
15 minutes after we arrived here comes P and M’s waterworks. She sat with P and his sister and some random friend I guess they all knew (all showed up as if it were a party) and she’d cry and he’d whisper something to her and she’d nod. She went back into the room where they do what they do and P joined her about 15 minutes after that. Within half an hour she emerged with P close behind, she’d had a sad pathetic look on her face and simply said I couldn’t do it.
P quickly hugged her and left, he was out the door before I got off the chair.
I got M to the car and I yelled at her that she was making the biggest mistake of her life, and that she must figure out what she’s going to do now. After I calmed down I told her I loved her but again she needs a job and to think about her education and what kind of life she wants for her baby, because whatever life she has this baby will have also. I didn’t want her on welfare and living hand to mouth but I am in no position to support another child. She told me she wasn’t me, and she knew what she was doing and that simply because my life was hard didn’t mean hers would be.
I was 17 when I became pregnant with M, 18 I married her dad and gave birth. By 20 we’d split I worked job after job mostly retail some days I’d barley even seen M but I did what I had to do because I had adult responsibilities, at 18 for me it was a struggle to get a job and pay bills, so the rose colored glasses she wears about her life worry me greatly. I tried to keep her from making that choice, but now that she has all I want is for her to rise to the occasion and understand the world is a tough place and no one gets by with handouts. I haven’t spoken to her since, she stayed locking in her room all week and on July 30 she took off, to be with P.
My dear M, if only you didn’t think I was your enemy!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Happiness isn’t free, and I’m not paying for yours.
So M has been gone from my house for a full week (she snuck off before I returned home form work the Friday before last) and so far not a word. I am not worried about her whereabouts since I found a letter she’d written to asshole which she conveniently left for me to find in her room.
The letter simply explains how she’s trying to escape my house but her plan isn’t working, bit that she’d find a way for her and asshole to be together. Real Romeo and Juliet I guess..And how sweet of her to leave her sister a good bye letter (oh the drama) and needless to say she was all this isn’t good bye but see you later, I love you blah..blah..blah please give me a fucking break.
99.95% of the time M couldn’t even be bothered with J and now she’s all oh I’ll always be your big sister bullshit. Man please, I’m just saying.
So I (not surprisingly) received a court summons for child support. M decided she can’t live in my house under my rules and is now shacking up with her asshole baby daddy and his parents, and she expects me (and her father who was summoned also) to pay for that?
M has truly lost her mind, if she thinks that I am going to support her financially to shack up with some deadbeat and have a baby, she at 16 has no real business having. I work for a living as does her father. Her asshole baby daddy should get a fucking job and take care of her, not us. Not to mention she’s able to work being pregnant isn’t a handicap no reason she can’t start flipping burgers.
Of course not the life I’d wanted for my daughter, but she made this decision to sever her own future and have this baby with a fucking idiot asshole so therefore she needs to rise to the occasion and do what she gotta do. No one supports my happiness and I refuse to support hers. My position is if she’s grown enough to have this baby and leave the nest then hell she is grown enough to work!
Welcome to adulthood my dear M.
The letter simply explains how she’s trying to escape my house but her plan isn’t working, bit that she’d find a way for her and asshole to be together. Real Romeo and Juliet I guess..And how sweet of her to leave her sister a good bye letter (oh the drama) and needless to say she was all this isn’t good bye but see you later, I love you blah..blah..blah please give me a fucking break.
99.95% of the time M couldn’t even be bothered with J and now she’s all oh I’ll always be your big sister bullshit. Man please, I’m just saying.
So I (not surprisingly) received a court summons for child support. M decided she can’t live in my house under my rules and is now shacking up with her asshole baby daddy and his parents, and she expects me (and her father who was summoned also) to pay for that?
M has truly lost her mind, if she thinks that I am going to support her financially to shack up with some deadbeat and have a baby, she at 16 has no real business having. I work for a living as does her father. Her asshole baby daddy should get a fucking job and take care of her, not us. Not to mention she’s able to work being pregnant isn’t a handicap no reason she can’t start flipping burgers.
Of course not the life I’d wanted for my daughter, but she made this decision to sever her own future and have this baby with a fucking idiot asshole so therefore she needs to rise to the occasion and do what she gotta do. No one supports my happiness and I refuse to support hers. My position is if she’s grown enough to have this baby and leave the nest then hell she is grown enough to work!
Welcome to adulthood my dear M.
There is nothing wrong with change, if it’s in the right direction.”
Winston Churchill
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
I don’t support stupidity! But I’m not immune to it.
M is currently not speaking to me as I don’t support her decision to have this baby seeing her current boyfriend (whom we will refer to as asshole) at 17 has not 1, not 2, but 3 babies already by 3 separate girls. I admit I knew of the 1 child shortly after they first started dating in September, but I was stupid and said well mistakes happen and who am I to judge, and it (at the time) didn’t seem to be as much of a big deal since M was on birth control and always said she’d never be stupid enough to let herself get into that kind of trouble. I found out about the rest just before I found out she was knocked up.
Now I wear, the “you’re an asshole” for letting her continue to see him sticker.
It seems that no matter where I turn what avenue I try there is pretty much nothing I can do as a parent to stop her from making the biggest mistake of her life. The issue is not prolife or pro-choice; it’s in fact pro her future. At 16 she should be looking forward to her junior year of high school and scouting colleges since she’s always talked about being a forensic psychologist and working hopefully someday with the FBI. That won’t happen with a baby and no education.
M has lied and manipulated and played every game she could to alienate her family to be with this asshole boyfriend, and now she’s staying with him and his parents. Ugh what do I do, this isn’t an episode of that retarded reality show 16 and pregnant. I can’t allow her to dictate to me how she would live in my house, and at the same time enable her to let mommy fix this for her. I cannot and will not do it, I told her for a long time I’m not raising no babies.
So now, I let her go…yes (he who is without sin cast the first stone) she made this decision and now as much as it pains me she must live with it. My focus has to be on the rest of my family and getting on with my life. I cannot change what she has done and she cannot hear anything I say. I was 17 when I got pregnant (yes history repeats its-self with vengeance) and 18 when I gave birth and she has been witness to the struggles of single parenthood and she still chose to make her life and that of her unborn baby as difficult as possible.
I love M very much but she’d made her bed…
Now I wear, the “you’re an asshole” for letting her continue to see him sticker.
It seems that no matter where I turn what avenue I try there is pretty much nothing I can do as a parent to stop her from making the biggest mistake of her life. The issue is not prolife or pro-choice; it’s in fact pro her future. At 16 she should be looking forward to her junior year of high school and scouting colleges since she’s always talked about being a forensic psychologist and working hopefully someday with the FBI. That won’t happen with a baby and no education.
M has lied and manipulated and played every game she could to alienate her family to be with this asshole boyfriend, and now she’s staying with him and his parents. Ugh what do I do, this isn’t an episode of that retarded reality show 16 and pregnant. I can’t allow her to dictate to me how she would live in my house, and at the same time enable her to let mommy fix this for her. I cannot and will not do it, I told her for a long time I’m not raising no babies.
So now, I let her go…yes (he who is without sin cast the first stone) she made this decision and now as much as it pains me she must live with it. My focus has to be on the rest of my family and getting on with my life. I cannot change what she has done and she cannot hear anything I say. I was 17 when I got pregnant (yes history repeats its-self with vengeance) and 18 when I gave birth and she has been witness to the struggles of single parenthood and she still chose to make her life and that of her unborn baby as difficult as possible.
I love M very much but she’d made her bed…
The year of the hour glass, time is running short.
I can’t believe its august already, this year is flying by.
Some days it cannot go fast enough and others id wish time would stand still so that I may take a moment and enjoy all the changes I’ve had thus far. I knew somehow this year would be life changing, and not simply because I’m almost 35 (that isn’t an issue for me like many women), but because I had a sense big things were going to happen.
However so true was that thought? Let’s recap
1. My fiancé L and I finally set a date after for our wedding. We’ve been engaged well as of today four days shy of four years. Woo hoo don’t rush into anything…
2. We purchased, and moved into our first home. We are indeed both first time home buyers even though he’s 46 and I’m 34 (that’s 12 years in case your math is fuzzy)
3. I am in the daunting process of trying to change jobs, (good luck on that with the economy) and can’t seem to narrow down what I really want to do.
That’s my own personal journey thus far, oh but there is so much more to this story. My step-son to be B graduated high school and has yet to enroll for college or find a job. His dad L doesn’t think at this point it’s an issue as he feels he should have one last summer to enjoy himself. I could totally understand that if B actually left the house (ever) but alas he hibernates in his room which already reeks of smelly teenage boy stench and we just moved in the end of June. Don’t think I will win that battle, so for now I wave the white flag.
I have two daughters of my own and boy or boy what a trip. My youngest J is 9 smart, sarcastic, funny and very much a tom boy (although she won’t admit that). The oldest M is 16 and thus far been a real challenge, she takes teenager to a level I never thought possible. I wish I could say she’s my joy but sadly she’s positioned herself into that unfortunate statistical box, as she is 16 and pregnant. My heart breaks just writing that. I have to get a drink and an aspirin, and some much needed sleep.
Some days it cannot go fast enough and others id wish time would stand still so that I may take a moment and enjoy all the changes I’ve had thus far. I knew somehow this year would be life changing, and not simply because I’m almost 35 (that isn’t an issue for me like many women), but because I had a sense big things were going to happen.
However so true was that thought? Let’s recap
1. My fiancé L and I finally set a date after for our wedding. We’ve been engaged well as of today four days shy of four years. Woo hoo don’t rush into anything…
2. We purchased, and moved into our first home. We are indeed both first time home buyers even though he’s 46 and I’m 34 (that’s 12 years in case your math is fuzzy)
3. I am in the daunting process of trying to change jobs, (good luck on that with the economy) and can’t seem to narrow down what I really want to do.
That’s my own personal journey thus far, oh but there is so much more to this story. My step-son to be B graduated high school and has yet to enroll for college or find a job. His dad L doesn’t think at this point it’s an issue as he feels he should have one last summer to enjoy himself. I could totally understand that if B actually left the house (ever) but alas he hibernates in his room which already reeks of smelly teenage boy stench and we just moved in the end of June. Don’t think I will win that battle, so for now I wave the white flag.
I have two daughters of my own and boy or boy what a trip. My youngest J is 9 smart, sarcastic, funny and very much a tom boy (although she won’t admit that). The oldest M is 16 and thus far been a real challenge, she takes teenager to a level I never thought possible. I wish I could say she’s my joy but sadly she’s positioned herself into that unfortunate statistical box, as she is 16 and pregnant. My heart breaks just writing that. I have to get a drink and an aspirin, and some much needed sleep.
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